It's been a long time...
June 17, 2013
It's been several years since I posted here. A lot has changed... including my sense of the passage of time.
I have two delightful cats who are my most wonderful companions, Jesse and Amy, litter mates. My son is now married and he and his wife have a son who is almost 18 months old. They live in Chicago – too far away. I will likely move there in the next year or two. My grandson is THE BEST!! I 'spose all grandmothers say that about their grandchildren, but I had not idea how amazing it would feel to have a grandchild. I won't go on about how perfect he is, but he is...
I miss him terribly! I see him every three or four months when my son pays for me to fly out to Chicago. My daughter-in-law is very allergic to cats so she has only been here two or three times and usually in the summer so we can sit out on the deck. This is so hard for me. I ache to be closer to her. I didn't have either a sister or a daughter and I guess I always thought that when my son married, it would be like almost as if I had a daughter, but I am the "mother-in-law," after all... I hate the stereotype of the evil mother-in-law, but somehow I feel as if that is what I am in my daughter-in-law's eyes. I think in part it is due to my close relationship with my son. I raised him mostly alone and we have quite a lot in common so we are close and I think that is very hard for her. I think she is tense about my moving to Chicago. To be fair, she has been generous with the baby when I visit. She encourages me to spend time with him as does her Mom who is very sweet!
I LOVE babies and children of all ages, wanted to have two or three children of my own, but only ended up having one. Lost a daughter before my son. She was stillborn (full-term), and although time softens the pain, it has left a hole in me nonetheless.
As much as I am excited about the prospect of moving to Chicago, I worry that it could be hard if my daughter-in-law is bothered by my proximity. It is hard for me that she and my son spend a lot of time with the other grandmother. They go out to her home and often spend weekends there. I try not to show that I feel jealous. That is not being an adult about this. The other grandma has three daughters and only the one is married (my son's wife), but not only does she see them all often (and the baby) but I have no family here and my grandson (and son) are so very far away. It is painful and makes me very sad...
It will be some time before I can move. I don't have the money to do so now, and may not have enough to live as I would like to live when I move out there. I will turn 70 this year and it's getting hard to work, to commute. If I do work after moving, it would have to be part-time and close to where I live. I shudder at the thought of some sort of low-level retail job for minimum wage. Doesn't seem worth giving up some of my remaining years doing that. I have a Master's Degree and feel there could be something more worthwhile I might be able to do that would be a bit more lucrative as well.
It is trite but true what they say about how "growing old is not for sissies." It definitely isn't. I am increasingly having trouble managing my home (and feeling safe in it). I have lots of stuff I'm trying to go through with the help of a dear friend. It is overwhelming. Hiring people to mow the lawn, plow and shovel in the winter, fix things when they break, etc., when one doesn't have much money is very difficult. I don't eat out much or go to many movies or do other things for entertainment. Just to have family nearby and to see and spend time with my grandson often would be beyond wonderful. I would enjoy making some new friends too. IF it can work given the tension between my daughter-in-law and me, it could be terrific. I worry about that. She is not the easiest person. Her family admits that. I don't want to be in competition with her or bossed around by her. I want to know her better. I want her to love me. I want to love her. I want to be able to be myself when I am around her and for her to feel that she can be herself. She doesn't share much. I have tried so many times to ask her about things going on in her life and her answers are usually monosyllabic. She feels best when she is in control of situations and that can be hard on the people around her. I don't see that as directed only at me, but it does exist with me and I am not very good at knowing how to handle it though I am getting a bit better at it, while trying to maintain civility and politeness. Not an easy balance to strike!
I know that it is normal and I must expect that my son's life now revolves around his wife and son and his rather demanding job. I understand that. I also know that it is challenging for him to walk the fine line between keeping the peace, a good relationship with his wife, and giving me attention and being willing to talk on the phone with me at some length. I LOVE talking with him, hearing about how things that are going at work and telling him what's going on with me, talking about Apple and Macs and iPhones (our passion), essentially "geeking out" and I know that his wife doesn't enjoy that kind of conversation. I love talking about politics, the sciences, the arts, and numerous other things, and relating "stories" seems to enjoy that too but it always seems overly hard to do when Sharon is around. She talks to her friends about a lot of stuff. At least that is what I gather. She is often on her cell talking to a friend. But she talks very little to me. I seem my son becoming a bit more like her, picking up some of the not such attractive traits I see in her. That especially hurts! I wish my son's wife and I could go shopping together, have a heart-to-heart talk once in a while, go to a museum for an afternoon and really enjoy it, take the baby out and look at toys, etc., but that just doesn't seem in the cards and it is painful for me.
I suspect all of this is probably boring to most people who might read it. Sorry about this but I need some sort of outlet and this seems to be a good one. I like writing short poems too but that takes more concentration and energy than I have at the moment. It's 11:45pm and I need to go to bed. My brain isn't in top form which it needs to be to write little poems.
More later... Thanks if you read some or all of this...
It's been several years since I posted here. A lot has changed... including my sense of the passage of time.
I have two delightful cats who are my most wonderful companions, Jesse and Amy, litter mates. My son is now married and he and his wife have a son who is almost 18 months old. They live in Chicago – too far away. I will likely move there in the next year or two. My grandson is THE BEST!! I 'spose all grandmothers say that about their grandchildren, but I had not idea how amazing it would feel to have a grandchild. I won't go on about how perfect he is, but he is...
I miss him terribly! I see him every three or four months when my son pays for me to fly out to Chicago. My daughter-in-law is very allergic to cats so she has only been here two or three times and usually in the summer so we can sit out on the deck. This is so hard for me. I ache to be closer to her. I didn't have either a sister or a daughter and I guess I always thought that when my son married, it would be like almost as if I had a daughter, but I am the "mother-in-law," after all... I hate the stereotype of the evil mother-in-law, but somehow I feel as if that is what I am in my daughter-in-law's eyes. I think in part it is due to my close relationship with my son. I raised him mostly alone and we have quite a lot in common so we are close and I think that is very hard for her. I think she is tense about my moving to Chicago. To be fair, she has been generous with the baby when I visit. She encourages me to spend time with him as does her Mom who is very sweet!
I LOVE babies and children of all ages, wanted to have two or three children of my own, but only ended up having one. Lost a daughter before my son. She was stillborn (full-term), and although time softens the pain, it has left a hole in me nonetheless.
As much as I am excited about the prospect of moving to Chicago, I worry that it could be hard if my daughter-in-law is bothered by my proximity. It is hard for me that she and my son spend a lot of time with the other grandmother. They go out to her home and often spend weekends there. I try not to show that I feel jealous. That is not being an adult about this. The other grandma has three daughters and only the one is married (my son's wife), but not only does she see them all often (and the baby) but I have no family here and my grandson (and son) are so very far away. It is painful and makes me very sad...
It will be some time before I can move. I don't have the money to do so now, and may not have enough to live as I would like to live when I move out there. I will turn 70 this year and it's getting hard to work, to commute. If I do work after moving, it would have to be part-time and close to where I live. I shudder at the thought of some sort of low-level retail job for minimum wage. Doesn't seem worth giving up some of my remaining years doing that. I have a Master's Degree and feel there could be something more worthwhile I might be able to do that would be a bit more lucrative as well.
It is trite but true what they say about how "growing old is not for sissies." It definitely isn't. I am increasingly having trouble managing my home (and feeling safe in it). I have lots of stuff I'm trying to go through with the help of a dear friend. It is overwhelming. Hiring people to mow the lawn, plow and shovel in the winter, fix things when they break, etc., when one doesn't have much money is very difficult. I don't eat out much or go to many movies or do other things for entertainment. Just to have family nearby and to see and spend time with my grandson often would be beyond wonderful. I would enjoy making some new friends too. IF it can work given the tension between my daughter-in-law and me, it could be terrific. I worry about that. She is not the easiest person. Her family admits that. I don't want to be in competition with her or bossed around by her. I want to know her better. I want her to love me. I want to love her. I want to be able to be myself when I am around her and for her to feel that she can be herself. She doesn't share much. I have tried so many times to ask her about things going on in her life and her answers are usually monosyllabic. She feels best when she is in control of situations and that can be hard on the people around her. I don't see that as directed only at me, but it does exist with me and I am not very good at knowing how to handle it though I am getting a bit better at it, while trying to maintain civility and politeness. Not an easy balance to strike!
I know that it is normal and I must expect that my son's life now revolves around his wife and son and his rather demanding job. I understand that. I also know that it is challenging for him to walk the fine line between keeping the peace, a good relationship with his wife, and giving me attention and being willing to talk on the phone with me at some length. I LOVE talking with him, hearing about how things that are going at work and telling him what's going on with me, talking about Apple and Macs and iPhones (our passion), essentially "geeking out" and I know that his wife doesn't enjoy that kind of conversation. I love talking about politics, the sciences, the arts, and numerous other things, and relating "stories" seems to enjoy that too but it always seems overly hard to do when Sharon is around. She talks to her friends about a lot of stuff. At least that is what I gather. She is often on her cell talking to a friend. But she talks very little to me. I seem my son becoming a bit more like her, picking up some of the not such attractive traits I see in her. That especially hurts! I wish my son's wife and I could go shopping together, have a heart-to-heart talk once in a while, go to a museum for an afternoon and really enjoy it, take the baby out and look at toys, etc., but that just doesn't seem in the cards and it is painful for me.
I suspect all of this is probably boring to most people who might read it. Sorry about this but I need some sort of outlet and this seems to be a good one. I like writing short poems too but that takes more concentration and energy than I have at the moment. It's 11:45pm and I need to go to bed. My brain isn't in top form which it needs to be to write little poems.
More later... Thanks if you read some or all of this...
posted by Art_n_tech at 10:46 PM
0 comments
