It's been a long time...

June 17, 2013

It's been several years since I posted here. A lot has changed... including my sense of the passage of time.

I have two delightful cats who are my most wonderful companions, Jesse and Amy, litter mates. My son is now married and he and his wife have a son who is almost 18 months old. They live in Chicago – too far away. I will likely move there in the next year or two. My grandson is THE BEST!! I 'spose all grandmothers say that about their grandchildren, but I had not idea how amazing it would feel to have a grandchild. I won't go on about how perfect he is, but he is...

I miss him terribly! I see him every three or four months when my son pays for me to fly out to Chicago. My daughter-in-law is very allergic to cats so she has only been here two or three times and usually in the summer so we can sit out on the deck. This is so hard for me. I ache to be closer to her. I didn't have either a sister or a daughter and I guess I always thought that when my son married, it would be like almost as if I had a daughter, but I am the "mother-in-law," after all... I hate the stereotype of the evil mother-in-law, but somehow I feel as if that is what I am in my daughter-in-law's eyes. I think in part it is due to my close relationship with my son. I raised him mostly alone and we have quite a lot in common so we are close and I think that is very hard for her. I think she is tense about my moving to Chicago. To be fair, she has been generous with the baby when I visit. She encourages me to spend time with him as does her Mom who is very sweet!

I LOVE babies and children of all ages, wanted to have two or three children of my own, but only ended up having one. Lost a daughter before my son. She was stillborn (full-term), and although time softens the pain, it has left a hole in me nonetheless.

As much as I am excited about the prospect of moving to Chicago, I worry that it could be hard if my daughter-in-law is bothered by my proximity. It is hard for me that she and my son spend a lot of time with the other grandmother. They go out to her home and often spend weekends there. I try not to show that I feel jealous. That is not being an adult about this. The other grandma has three daughters and only the one is married (my son's wife), but not only does she see them all often (and the baby) but I have no family here and my grandson (and son) are so very far away. It is painful and makes me very sad...

It will be some time before I can move. I don't have the money to do so now, and may not have enough to live as I would like to live when I move out there. I will turn 70 this year and it's getting hard to work, to commute. If I do work after moving, it would have to be part-time and close to where I live. I shudder at the thought of some sort of low-level retail job for minimum wage. Doesn't seem worth giving up some of my remaining years doing that. I have a Master's Degree and feel there could be something more worthwhile I might be able to do that would be a bit more lucrative as well.

It is trite but true what they say about how "growing old is not for sissies." It definitely isn't. I am increasingly having trouble managing my home (and feeling safe in it). I have lots of stuff I'm trying to go through with the help of a dear friend. It is overwhelming. Hiring people to mow the lawn, plow and shovel in the winter, fix things when they break, etc., when one doesn't have much money is very difficult. I don't eat out much or go to many movies or do other things for entertainment. Just to have family nearby and to see and spend time with my grandson often would be beyond wonderful. I would enjoy making some new friends too. IF it can work given the tension between my daughter-in-law and me, it could be terrific. I worry about that. She is not the easiest person. Her family admits that. I don't want to be in competition with her or bossed around by her. I want to know her better. I want her to love me. I want to love her. I want to be able to be myself when I am around her and for her to feel that she can be herself. She doesn't share much. I have tried so many times to ask her about things going on in her life and her answers are usually monosyllabic. She feels best when she is in control of situations and that can be hard on the people around her. I don't see that as directed only at me, but it does exist with me and I am not very good at knowing how to handle it though I am getting a bit better at it, while trying to maintain civility and politeness. Not an easy balance to strike!

I know that it is normal and I must expect that my son's life now revolves around his wife and son and his rather demanding job. I understand that. I also know that it is challenging for him to walk the fine line between keeping the peace, a good relationship with his wife, and giving me attention and being willing to talk on the phone with me at some length. I LOVE talking with him, hearing about how things that are going at work and telling him what's going on with me, talking about Apple and Macs and iPhones (our passion), essentially "geeking out" and I know that his wife doesn't enjoy that kind of conversation. I love talking about politics, the sciences, the arts, and numerous other things, and relating "stories" seems to enjoy that too but it always seems overly hard to do when Sharon is around. She talks to her friends about a lot of stuff. At least that is what I gather. She is often on her cell talking to a friend. But she talks very little to me. I seem my son becoming a bit more like her, picking up some of the not such attractive traits I see in her. That especially hurts! I wish my son's wife and I could go shopping together, have a heart-to-heart talk once in a while, go to a museum for an afternoon and really enjoy it, take the baby out and look at toys, etc., but that just doesn't seem in the cards and it is painful for me.

I suspect all of this is probably boring to most people who might read it. Sorry about this but I need some sort of outlet and this seems to be a good one. I like writing short poems too but that takes more concentration and energy than I have at the moment. It's 11:45pm and I need to go to bed. My brain isn't in top form which it needs to be to write little poems.

More later... Thanks if you read some or all of this...

Drawing Group, 9.19.07

He walks in, a fierce look in his eyes, but then he smiles and says hello to one or two people. Starts to chat, but the leader prods him to begin posing. He seems a little odd, but who am I to say that? A few moments later, he's on the platform, naked and finding his first pose. There are a series of one-minutes, then fives. As he warms up, he stretches and twists, puts an arm up and grabs a rope that was tucked in behind the AC on the ceiling. He grows more and more exaggeratedly feminine, --a hip thrust out, a twist in his torso, his nose in the air, a hand outstretched, index finger delicately pointing. He takes it all so seriously. We all stare and draw.

Short Pieces - March 2007

The scrawny geranium in my
kitchen window struggles for
sunlight. It keeps reaching. It
has a huge pink blossom. Even
in its ungainliness, it seems
pleased with itself.


My refrigerator door... snapshots,
a postcard, bumper stickers, a
recipe or two, doodles on post-it
notes, a cartoon, newspaper clippings,
numerous reminders to myself.
Rather like my mind...


I never walked a dog, but I had a cat
once that liked to follow me through
the fields behind my house...


Trees, now skeletal, soon to
explode into bud. I feel the
chill of late winter as I walk.
One stands straight and tall,
another has many delicate orange
branches hanging down like a
pumpkin mist against the bright
blue sky. Spring birds sing in
praise of the warmth that will
be here soon.


To laugh, to play, to see everything
with new eyes, a new heart; to
touch and be touched by all things;
to cook and eat a good meal; to
be outside on a spring day; to climb
into a warm bath.


I drove to the beach —a sudden
decision. Standing on the sand I
listened and watched, looking
across the bay at some small
people in dark clothing on the
other side. I found a tiny inner
tube-shaped piece of driftwood,
a small wooden sphere, and a
plastic knee-high shoe from a
three-toed warrior toy. There was
a large ruby too, but I
think it was plastic.


I walked to the river and stood at
the edge. I saw a group of seagulls
that were frightened by my sudden
presence. I heard their wings...
a whoosh of air as they took flight.
I closed my eyes and breathed...
slowly and deeply. I opened my heart
and invited them in. When I looked again,
I noticed some of them had returned. I
stood completely still for what seemed
a long time. I watched quietly as many
of them came back ...until a car drove
by and startled them again.


I am sitting at a table. I close my
eyes and hear cars going by. The
pavement is wet. A clock ticks in
the next room. When I move a little,
I hear fabric rubbing against itself,
and my chair creaks. I notice the sound
of tapping on the keyboard as I write.


So many trees watching over us,
strong and tall and wise, every
one unique just as we are. If only
they could tell us what they have
seen. Maybe we just need to learn
how to listen.


It seemed so simple when we were
little—to play and laugh, to cry,
to climb a tree, splash in the water
at the beach. Layers, like an onion,
grew around us until we almost forgot.

DaDa Show, National Gallery East, Washington, D.C., April 2006

Dragonfly, June 11, 2006

Skunk Cabbage, May 8th, 2006

Wild Turkey, Late April, 2006

Saturday, May 6th, 2006

What a week! I taught the past two weekends and was more than tired last Sunday night but stopped at my son's house anyway for a gourmet dinner prepared by him. I just couldn't seem to fight the tiredness, so I asked for some green tea shortly after I arrived and again before leaving. I was concerned about the long drive home...

I was off the next two days (Monday and Tuesday) and mainly took it easy. When I returned to work on Wednesday, an odd thing happened a couple of hours into the morning. I began to feel very light-headed; almost felt as if I might pass out... my stomach was a bit queasy. At one point I put my head down. I decided to phone my doctor (cardiologist). I've been treated for high BP for years but it's been under control until recently, but with the doubling of a med I was on recently, I felt encouraged... until this happened. They put the nurse on and she suggested I go to the school nurse (I work at a college). I asked Jim, a guy I work with, to take me over there. It's in another building. At that point I thought my BP might be low since I was, after all, on double the medicine I'd been on until a few weeks earlier... but when I got there and she took my BP it was quite high! She phoned the nurse at the cardiologist's office as had been requested, and relayed the information. She took my BP again, but it was still just as high. The cardiologist's nurse said I should stop by on my way home, --maybe not stay at work the whole day-- and have her take my BP again, which I did.

It was still high. She consulted with the doctor's assistant (the doctor was at the hospital), who suggested putting me on a second drug because my heart rate was high. They also gave me a supply of an earlier medication I'd been on (my insurance company didn't want to pay for that so they'd substituted what I'd been switched to). Anyway, the nurse then sent me on my way, but not until she brought me a glass of water and one of the new pills and had me take it right then and there.

I stayed home the next day to give myself time to see how the new medicine would work, but feeling encouraged that NOW things were most likely under control, I went to work the next day (Friday). The nurse had told me that I should take the second pill (the one to lower my heart rate) only if I need it, if I felt light-headed. I felt OK at first, but after a little while the light-headedness was back. I didn't want to tell Jim. He's not usually in on Fridays but he had come in, he said, to finish some stuff up... but I wondered if he'd showed up because he either wasn't sure I'd be in or because he wanted to be see if I was OK when I came in... He stopped by and leaned against my office door jam and talked with me. I was feeling light-headed enough that I decided I should take one of the new pills they'd said to take only if I really needed it, but I didn't want to worry him. He said it was a warm, sunny day, perfect for painting his bathroom which he was going to go home and do! When he finally left, I felt around in my purse for the box, took one of the new pills out and swallowed it with some water.

An hour or so later I was feeling OK again, so I returned to my usual activities. I talked with a student for a long while as I looked at his graphic design portfolio. He'd just had his final review of the year and he's a Senior so it was his very final review! After talking with him for a while I began to feel lightheaded yet again! This was discouraging to say the least! I usually only work a half-day on Fridays and I had a mammography appointment scheduled for that afternoon, so I left around my usual time and went on to that appointment. I was feeling a little "off" but not too bad. However, by the time I'd finished there I was feeling quite light-headed again so I called my cardiologist's office again. They put the nurse on. She said I should definitely stop by their office; that she might want to put a heart monitor on me for 24 hours and she'd tell me more when I got there.

When I got to the office, I had to wait a while. Both receptionists were busy, --one on the phone; the other setting up an appointment for another patient. As I stood there I seemed to get more and more light-headed! Finally someone asked me what she could do for me and I explained why I was there. She said she'd tell the nurse and that she would be with me shortly. I went and sat down but sitting didn't seem to lessen my symptoms.

Finally, the nurse came out and got me. We went into a large room (for an examining room) and she took my BP with an electronic device like those they use in hospitals unstead of the usual cuff and stethoscope. It was high. She phoned the doctor at the hospital who told her to have me lie down for several minutes and take my BP. After that she was to have me stand and take it again. It was high again, --both times. She had another conversation with the doctor. She said she would call in a prescription for a different drug; that I shoudn't take the other heart rate lowering drug; and to start this new one the following morning; that it worked differently. Then she pulled out the heart monitor and attached it to me, --several (5 I think) sensors all over my chest which she then taped in place. It is a gadget about the size of a PDA with various wires coming out of it that go to the sensors she placed on my chest, and a strap so I could put it over my shoulder if I wanted to. The device itself was in a black fitted pouch and velcroed shut. It took two AA batteries. The nurse told me she would set it to start and that in 24 hours I should remove the batteries to shut it down; and unattach the sensors from my chest, but in the meantime I should record in a little log every time I felt light-headed or dizzy or had any other symptom that I thought I should report.

So... you see I've had a rough past week! I've taken the heart monitor off and I'm feeling a bit light-headed this evening as I type this. I should be getting to bed soon I expect. I wish I knew just what this was and whether they're going to be able to control it!

The photos I posted today also were all taken recently. The wild turkey photo was taken a couple of weeks ago. On one of my regular walks to the river I saw a bunch of them... maybe 4 or 5... and tried to photograph them but couldn't get too close. The dandylions and violets were something I saw on today's short walk. It's spring! Wish I were enjoying it a bit more...

Dandylions, May 6th, 2006

Violet, Saturday, May 6th, 2006